Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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