Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
