You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
