I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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