bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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