When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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