No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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