Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
that may or may not have been my penis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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