I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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