I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
