Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
