dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
