Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
