No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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