We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
operation have a gay friend backfired
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
