is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
