Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
