Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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