How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
