wanna go halves on a baby?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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