i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
