My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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