Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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