it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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