so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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