You're my little dorito
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
