Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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