I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
