Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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