i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
