I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Holy shit dude........stairs
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
