I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
