It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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