dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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