Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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