I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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