she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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