I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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