Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
