she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
