omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
