So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
