My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
