I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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