dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
