i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
