Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
