Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
