I wish I could punch you in the face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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