I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
