On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
