go do what you do best...puke behind churches
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
