I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
