I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
