dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
