so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
