Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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